Today is Ash Wednesday, the beginning of Lent, which, in my eyes, is a truly beautiful time of meditation and thanksgiving. That may seem really out of place, but it's the truth. Sure - you get the rap of it being a time when the faithful give up sweets, coffee or, most recently, social media for 40 days, which is different from what my parents and other Catholic elders experienced- a sad and somber, long period of time where you weren't allowed to do anything remotely entertaining.
But really, both are superficial. I know these forty days are meant to be much deeper than that.
What it is, what it's meant to be, is a time of simple living, prayer and fasting, if possible, in order to gain an intimate closeness with God. And yes, I know you mean it to be a time to truly understand the sacrifice of Christ on the cross, his journey and his suffering, but not because that was all that happened, but because, in the end, it helps us understand the ultimate sacrifice of love.
Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends. - John 15:13
The passage I heard so many times from you, the one I've always tried to follow above all else.
A week and a few days ago, 21 Christian hostages were beheaded by ISIS fighters. 21 Christians. A few of which, it is said, yelled out the phrase "Oh God", "Oh Jesus" right before they were killed. I believe this to be the closest a human could possibly be to emulating God's perfect love.
It's so strange to know you taught me the importance of that type love. In fact, you nurtured it, let it flourish. And I felt it - it was always so clear to me. But I never understood why so many other people did not. I never understood as I got older why the focus seemed to shift to things that were small in comparison. Maybe it's because the world is rapidly changing and you felt the need to preach about the importance of morality since no one was hearing about it anywhere else. But that message somehow began to overshadow the message of love that was clearly the root of the faith and after a while it was too much to handle. Certain subjects were bearable and I could even swallow, but there is one subject in particular that was too personal to ignore.
I can't even remember why or when but somehow homosexuality became such a hot topic. Like truly and overly talked about. All over the news. Catholic bloggers who I followed talked about it. People came out of the shadows proclaiming they used to be gay, writing articles about how they came to see the light and understand that their lifestyle was wrong. And fast-forward to a few months ago when Pope Francis shared a bit of a mercy with a message of tolerance for the LGBT community, many were in an uproar. It was and still is mind boggling to see the lack of love that is so apparent when it concerns the gay community.
What I do remember is the message that kept reappearing during the Prayers of the Faithful ...
For the sanctity of marriage - one man, one woman. Let us Pray to the Lord: Lord hear our prayer.
That message doesn't mean or read anything other than what it says, but it was that with everything else that I couldn't handle anymore. All the media. All the announcements from people I love and trusted. The occasional sermon dedicated to the topic.
It all just made me feel so unbearably guilty.
I want you to know how hard I actually tried to ignore my feelings. I tried to let them go, sweep them under the rug, telling myself it was a phase. I reassured myself I felt this way because I had a new-secular-type job with more access to worldly things, therefore causing me to have sinful, lustful thoughts that needed to be stated every time I went to confession. I even prayed for myself. I even tried to date boys in order to at least follow your teachings. I even think I may have loved one of them. Maybe so, but the connection simply wasn't there. Who am I kidding? It's never really been there for the opposite sex.
Just know that through it all I wanted so much to love you first. I tried so hard to love you first, okay?
I just couldn't ignore it anymore.
I couldn't ignore the fact that I asked one of my best friends in the fifth grade what she thought it felt like to be gay. I couldn't ignore that in middle school I fell for a girl in my group therapy session. In high school, I exchanged a notebook of secrets with a girl who was two years older than me and became my first real case of puppy love - it makes me smile just to think of how jealous I was every time she wrote about her crushes and relationships in our book. In college, I fell for a girl, so much harder than I had for anyone else. I followed her everywhere. I met her between classes for coffee. And when she couldn't meet me between classes, I bought her Iced Venti Non-Fat Chai Teas and took them to her. But I never said a word to anyone.
I'd ignored it all my life and I just couldn't do it anymore.
And when I met her, I didn't want to ignore it anymore.
And when I met her, I didn't want to ignore it anymore.
I knew it was real, she was real. My life and my feelings were no phase and this something lustful. She was a testament to my journey, a battle within myself, the chance to prove to myself how willing I was to fight for it. And my love for her helped me do it for me. It is her, who is good and funny and makes me smile. She's the person who was my friend before she became my girlfriend, from whom I've never kept any secrets. Who has helped me feel whole even when I'm not with her. Who helps me be who I really am. Who encourages me to be an individual, the best I can be on my own. She has seen me at my very worst and at my most vulnerable, when I lost many friendships after they knew I had finally accepted a part of who I was, when people I loved slandered me and prayed for me because they didn't understand my life choices. And when I've shut down, she has never let me stay there, always helping me to get back to a place of goodness.
And if that's not real love you taught me - the selfless kind, not founded on the physical or the sexual - I don't know what is.
But please, don't ever confuse this poorly written yet honest blog post with the fact that it has actually been a very difficult process to let you go.
I want you to know I distanced myself from you not because you are full of hypocrites, judgmental and imperfect people who make too many mistakes- I actually hate it when people say that. I am one of those people, learning each day from the wrongs that I want to right, my sins no better or worse than the rest of the human race. I distanced myself because trying to be in love with you first didn't allow me to love myself at all. It didn't allow me to accept or live a day without thinking that the world had brainwashed me, that because of my decision to accept myself and love someone I wasn't supposed to love made everything negative that happened thereafter a direct consequence of the bad choices I had made.
My God - I was and am more than gay. And although I've suffered greatly for it, I needed to let myself live enough to let everyone see that.
Just know that I am not angry or mad - I had to learn to let that go because it was getting me no where.What I needed to accept, what I had to accept was that harboring that type of resentment was toxic. In fact, to keep it would have been ironic, as it would have been the opposite of the message of love I so want you to make your priority again. I had to let it go. Just as I had to accept letting myself be the way that I am, I had to come to terms with our differences, making peace with the fact that unless there are changes, I don't know that I could ever be able to have an intimate closeness with you like I had before. And that's okay, because we somehow walk on our journeys separately but together as we follow the same Christ.
Regardless of who you think I may have become, I am still that same girl who loved and still loves God. I know He is the end all, say all and that, in every situation, he is who calls the shots. I simply experience my knowledge of this very differently now, finally feeling like I am able to breathe, no longer tied down and put into a box in which I didn't fit. I am free to see a Christ I've never seen before, because I am no longer hiding behind a dogma that went against my very nature. Because while there are people that fit beautifully within your walls and are the purest example of what every human should aspire to be, I can only hope to follow in their footsteps in my own way by only following the non-judging, non-threatening being who chooses to show His love for us about all else.
This Lent I, like many others, will take the journey of simplicity and prayer in order to gain closeness with God, only I will be keeping one prayer always present in my mind:
For the Church to be first and foremost a living testament of the love of God. Let us pray to the Lord: Lord hear our prayer.
Thank you for all you have brought me and taught me. I will always love you ... but never first.
-xoxo, Rosie
And if that's not real love you taught me - the selfless kind, not founded on the physical or the sexual - I don't know what is.
But please, don't ever confuse this poorly written yet honest blog post with the fact that it has actually been a very difficult process to let you go.
I want you to know I distanced myself from you not because you are full of hypocrites, judgmental and imperfect people who make too many mistakes- I actually hate it when people say that. I am one of those people, learning each day from the wrongs that I want to right, my sins no better or worse than the rest of the human race. I distanced myself because trying to be in love with you first didn't allow me to love myself at all. It didn't allow me to accept or live a day without thinking that the world had brainwashed me, that because of my decision to accept myself and love someone I wasn't supposed to love made everything negative that happened thereafter a direct consequence of the bad choices I had made.
My God - I was and am more than gay. And although I've suffered greatly for it, I needed to let myself live enough to let everyone see that.
Just know that I am not angry or mad - I had to learn to let that go because it was getting me no where.What I needed to accept, what I had to accept was that harboring that type of resentment was toxic. In fact, to keep it would have been ironic, as it would have been the opposite of the message of love I so want you to make your priority again. I had to let it go. Just as I had to accept letting myself be the way that I am, I had to come to terms with our differences, making peace with the fact that unless there are changes, I don't know that I could ever be able to have an intimate closeness with you like I had before. And that's okay, because we somehow walk on our journeys separately but together as we follow the same Christ.
Regardless of who you think I may have become, I am still that same girl who loved and still loves God. I know He is the end all, say all and that, in every situation, he is who calls the shots. I simply experience my knowledge of this very differently now, finally feeling like I am able to breathe, no longer tied down and put into a box in which I didn't fit. I am free to see a Christ I've never seen before, because I am no longer hiding behind a dogma that went against my very nature. Because while there are people that fit beautifully within your walls and are the purest example of what every human should aspire to be, I can only hope to follow in their footsteps in my own way by only following the non-judging, non-threatening being who chooses to show His love for us about all else.
This Lent I, like many others, will take the journey of simplicity and prayer in order to gain closeness with God, only I will be keeping one prayer always present in my mind:
For the Church to be first and foremost a living testament of the love of God. Let us pray to the Lord: Lord hear our prayer.
Thank you for all you have brought me and taught me. I will always love you ... but never first.
-xoxo, Rosie
No comments:
Post a Comment