And finally...

As you may know, by having read my blog lately, it was today that I went to Santa Cecilia to speak to the director, and also a teacher I have been in contact with for months now (Incredibly, kind this teacher, Paola Pisa. I am actually really glad I got the chance to meet her. )

This morning, after breakfast, I headed out to Santa Cecilia by myself the whole time saying 'God. I know I am supposed to tell you that I am not afraid, and that I am really strong! But then I know I wouldn't be telling you the truth....SO ... I want to tell you that I am a scared and not to surprised when the moment comes to talk to the director, even though I know you know the future and all that I will do. But still, I figure I would be truthful now, and then later I wouldn't feel so badly because I was, in fact, being realistic. But I do realize you know everything, so please don't be annoyed by the fact that I am telling you, again...' etc. etc. (This went on for the twenty minutes I took to walk there, contemplating...) But then I finally got there, and like two seconds later, I realized Miriam had driven her moped to the school, even though she was rather occupied, because she felt like I needed someone there with me. (Totally right!) That was a major relief.

To make a long story short, we talked to the teacher I had been in contact with first, and then we talked to the assistant director, who explained to us why nothing could be done. In past years, students have been allowed to attend Santa Cecilia without a deep knowledge of the language, some of which ended up failing their courses. Also in the past year, they have cleaned up their courses, made them more challenging. Thus, students who do not have a very deep knowledge of the language (reading, writing, and speaking) can no longer attend, even if they are the world's next Maria Callas or Yo-Yo Ma. I can honestly say that if I need to be able to read, write, and speak almost perfectly to attend Santa Cecilia, than in fact, being realistic, I wouldn't say I am a great candidate, due to the fact that I am very new to the language, and it wouldn't be the truth to say I know the language as well as I know English or Spanish. I understand their policy, because I can understand their motives, even if I couldn't be an exception. This just wasn't for me.

Also important to know, the course that I would have started was called 'Institutional' and is five years long. In the past few days I have been thinking to myself, praying about this situation. Five years seems is such a long time. Besides what I have felt personally, my tendency to race, to not be patient, I feel like five years is just too a long a time. I don't know why, (I can't pretend to know where God will place me in the next five years. ) but through prayer, I don't feel like it is throwing myself into the musical world for FIVE years. I don't feel like it is the right thing to spend five years in a school studying music, where to me, that's just not the goal. Knowing everything there is to know about music, (music history, music theory, etc.) is not the goal. So while this may seem like a loss, and in a way it is because I had prepared for this trip for so long, God has helped me learn a lot through this situation, because more than anything, I have learned to examine its different aspects, and take from it so many things I have learned about myself and about precisely what God calls me to be. For now, I trust that this was, without a doubt, not the path for me, and therefore, how could I even be remotely angry?

Now, I shall see where I am to be next, all the while knowing that just when I think I have found my click, I have won the game, God has things prepared for me, and equally for us all, that we can't even begin to imagine. The biggest challenge has been letting go, taking on a continuous challenge of trust, and realizing that, in fact, even if I think the situation is awful and I hate it, and I can't comprehend what is happening, or why I have been brought there, even, this is all absolutely a product of God's love for me, as is it for us all. And, if we listen and continue to see how weak we are by ourselves, I feel like maybe we could have such a different view of God's will and workings in our lives.

As always, you are in my prayers, and I know I am also in yours because all of you are pretty amazing :)

p.s. Please pray for my friend, Carrie, who heads out to Rome tomorrow evening (U.S. time). This is a very special time for us all.