If I had to leave tomorrow...

…I would leave o.k., understanding why it is I had to come here.

It’s hard to explain changes, especially those that seem so small. They shouldn’t make any difference, and yet the incredible thing is that they do. And even more so, they were that which you have been wanting find, wanting to experience for so long.

How could I explain my life here in Rome? To say that all the beautiful things that have happened and will happen just MAGICALLY appeared… eh, that’s really not the case. It could seem like I have been given many encounters from which I should take and learn a thing or two, and that is all. There is nothing else I need to do. That at the end of this experience, no matter what happens, ‘it will be a good experience in which I will have become a better person.’ The truth is, I don’t think it happens to be that easy for me. This trip is not based on my coming here to sing, to enjoy life, to eat gelato (while those things are all part of the process). There is so much more than that.

I like to use this analogy: I’ve been given a set of many little keys and have been shown a giant mansion, plantation. I have been told to go and test the doors, and try to open them because behind each one of those doors, something really revelatory, important, significant awaits for me. So I go and I try to open all of these doors with conviction. When I get nervous and impatient, I lose my track of thought and can’t remember which keys I already used. When I go through the process of trying all the keys, I waste time. It’s not until I take the time to slow down and, keyword, trust that I remember the most important thing: the keys are in my hands, and it doesn’t matter if it takes a lifetime, but I will eventually be able to open those doors, because I have faith that I have been given all the right keys. This is not just a time where ‘I am learning a little more about myself.’ No. I am doing something much more important. I am learning how to love and trust God.

As Carrie Lawless would explain it, ‘You know that feeling you get when just open yourself to God and all you can do is fall on your knees and cry because you truly don’t know what else to do?’ No. I didn’t know that before here. Maybe I experienced it a little bit, but I didn’t know what that was like to truly begin to give my entire self to something I can’t see and that sometimes, I can’t hear, because I didn’t trust enough, but mostly because I was so afraid of the pain it would bring. (Imagine constructing this entire temple, and then realizing you need to knock it down and build it again, knowing that your only consolation is that you have gained experience in how to build. It’s not easy, folks.) At the same time I thought I had reached some kind of optimum relationship with God. ‘Everything’s great ! I don’t need to do ANYTHING else!’ I had never let my guard down enough to have something that profound in my life. Never. Then I am given the chance to come here and meet amazing people, learn different things, and that begins to change for me, because I all of a sudden feel up to the challenge of being less afraid and understanding what true love really is. Then I read a line in Chiara Amirante’s book where she says, ‘The great saints felt spiritual aridity because they were going through purification of the soul. Most of us think we have that same problem, when in reality, most of the time, the truth is, we’re just not searching for Jesus.’ Wow. I can’t recall how many times I have sat back and thought. ‘Oh. I don’t feel like praying at the moment, and God would appreciate it if I prayed later. I will just do everything…later.’ So many times that ‘later’ never came, and I found myself to afraid to keep moving forward that I just made myself comfortable where I was and stopped asking questions. I have been able to witness so many incredible, real examples here and I realize, ‘No, Rosie. Not putting yourself into the relationship and thinking you will find God is not o.k., no matter what kind of excuses you are making for yourself.’ (The fruit of prayer is a clean heart which is free to love….) And so I began to be truly be truly honest, and my heart is on its way to a much better place.

I’ve thought that this has everything to do with coming here and feeling a ‘spiritual high’ because I was in Rome. Nope. This is me trying to let go of fear and continuously search my heart and soul, giving myself the chance to go deeper than the surface. Nothing seemingly ‘big’ has changed about me, except for my allowance of growth, which is everything. It has not been easy, and I won’t pretend it will ever be, but it is rewarding, because in learning to establish a real relationship with God and letting myself decrease, I stop worrying, ‘If God has given me a vocation to be a consecrated religious, WHO WILL SAVE THE WORLD?!?’ (Cynical, I know. But truthfully something I have thought of often.) No. First, I have to learn how to be His daughter. That’s all He wants.

I love you all. In my prayers, always.

Be a pencil in the hand of God, which has done nothing except be allowed to be used. – M. Teresa